Info Post – December 4th

Living through a pandemic

in the south of France

624 days since

1st lockdown in March 2020

DAILY STATISTICS HERE

▫️ HOME NEWS DESK

Fluctuat nec mergitur


✏️ The weekly update from the prefecture and the Occitanie regional health agency (ARS) delivered on Friday 3 December underlines a “brutal and sudden” wave and a hospital tension for the moment “contained thanks to vaccination”.

94.4 new cases in one week per 100,000 inhabitants on 19 November, then 163.4 on 26 November, and finally 280.9 on Friday 3 December. The weekly update on the health situation provided by the Aude prefecture and the Occitanie regional health agency (ARS) once again reflects what the authorities describe as an “immediate and brutal wave of contaminations”, with a rate of positivity that is also on the rise (6.2% on 3 December compared to 4.8 last week).

A report delivered while noting that “the hospital tension remains contained thanks to the vaccination”, and by specifying that “the patients currently in resuscitation are non-vaccinated patients”: this Friday, December 3, 6 people were in resuscitation (8 on November 26), 29 in conventional hospitalisation (23 on November 26), 9 in follow-up care and rehabilitation, and 4 in long-term care unit. But the prefecture insists that the phenomenon “could quickly become a major constraint for the hospital”. This led to a new call for vaccination (72.3% of the population has a full vaccination schedule), “our chance in the face of this resurgence of the pandemic. The vaccine protects against severe forms of the disease and limits contamination”; and to invite people to be “reminded of the vaccine, which is essential for our individual and collective protection”, describing it as “the best shield, allowing us to reduce the peak of this wave”.

▫️ HEALTH SITUATION

✏️ FRANCE 🇫🇷

Daily update on the Covid epidemic in France, with figures from Santé Publique France and the Ministry of Health.

CONTAMINATIONS
This Friday 3 December, 49,858 new cases of Covid-19 were recorded in 24 hours, according to figures from Santé Publique France.

The rate of positive tests was 6.2% (compared to 6.1% previously).

HOSPITALISATION
There have been 11,103 people hospitalised for Covid-19, 313 more in the last 24 hours. And 2,058 patients were hospitalised in intensive care units (+124 in 24 hours).

DEATHS
In 24 hours, 114 people have died in hospital due to Covid. The total number of deaths since the beginning of the epidemic is 119,457.

VACCINATION
Since the beginning of the vaccination campaign in France, 52,055,446 people have received at least one injection and 50,968,782 have received a full vaccination schedule.

▫️ SEASONAL PIC of the week

▫️ FOOD & DRINKS

11 Things You Should Know About Lillet

In the small town of Podensac just south of Bordeaux, the story of Lillet (pronounced lee-LAY) begins with two brothers: Paul and Raymond Lillet. Throughout their lives the Lillet brothers earned a living working as traders in fine wines, liqueurs, and spirits. As time went on, the two developed a new interest in distilling spirits, which led them to create the La Maison Lillet company in 1872. At its start, the Maison’s primary focus was on producing fruit liquors.

Read in VinePair: https://apple.news/AHQzXzv8oSSq5NMisQjVrOw

▫️ CAR OF THE WEEK

Vintage Alfa Romeo 33 Stradale

Only 18 were made

▫️ MUSIC

CARCASSONNE FESTIVAL 2022

Opening of the ticket office Tuesday December 7th 2021 at 10am.
BUY YOUR TICKETS ONLINE
(from 7 December 2022 – 10am)
OR BY PHONE 04.68.115.915
OR AT THE PAC TICKET OFFICE
(10 rue de la République – Carcassonne)


As usual, I have received Deezer’s statistics for the previous month

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

▫️ FUN / SATIRE

▫️ FRIDAY FUNNIES from Paul (Double ration)

Snowy greetings to you all.

◼︎Some one-liners to start……..

▸ I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.


▸ I don’t understand why people have to “get ready” for bed. I’m always ready for bed.


▸The fact here’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.


▸ It’s weird being the same age as old people.

◼︎The son comes home from school in the afternoon, hungry and complains to his mum: 

I’ve got tummy ache!!
His mother gives him something to eat and says: that’s because your tummy is empty!
Soon afterwards the father comes home and complains about headache.
So the son says: It’s probably because it is……

◼︎With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen 

Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband.

 She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

 She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

 “Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
 She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

 He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

 “Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

 He said “No!”. trying to hide his excitement.

 She said …“Check the garage.”

◼︎My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.

 I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said,

“These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No, sir, you’ll have to do that yourself.”

◼︎Things to ponder …..


▸ Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

▸ Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

▸ If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

▸ Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

▸ Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

▸ Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

▸ Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

▸ Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

▸ Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?

▸ Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

▸ Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?


◼︎A woman walks into a doctor’s office with burns on both of her ears. 

The doctor asks her what happened.

“Well…” she begins, “I was ironing my work suit when the phone rang and I mistakenly 

picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“Well that explains one ear,” the doctor said, “but what about the other?”

“He called back!”


◼︎A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. 

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, 

was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. 

When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive 

young man and said, “Put down ‘yes.'”


◼︎John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. “Waiter,”
he shouted, “Didn’t you hear me say, ‘well done’?”

“Oh, thank you, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get
a compliment.”


◼︎The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.  The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.  Then one of the
nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she
had  drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns
asked with humility, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”


◼︎I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words,
every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


◼︎WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous “

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburettor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?

WIFE: “In the pool”

◼︎Students at school were asked to write about the harmful
environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote,
“When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full
of oil and all the sardines were dead.”

◼︎ Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey 

God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, 

“These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create 

a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”


▸ Q. What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake???

A. It really is your fault!!!!


▸ Q: Have you heard about the new teenage Barbie doll?

A: You wind her up and she resents you.


▸ Q: What did the farmer count his cows with?

A: A cowculator.


▸ Q: What did the grandfather do when the truck got old?

A: He retired it.


▸ Q: Did you hear about the constipated composer?

A: He couldn’t finish the last movement.


▸ Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.


▸ Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

A: A Buccaneer!


▸ Q: What is an archaeologist?

A: Someone who’s career is in ruins!

And to finish the week…….

▸ I don’t always have time to fold laundry. But when I do … I don’t!! 

▸ Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? 

▸ I went to visit a Psychic
I knocked on the front door and she yelled “Who is it?”
So I left! 

▸ My Dad suggested I register for a Donor Card.
A man after my own heart! 

▸ The guy who invented Autocorrect has died. May he roast in piss! 

▸ Someone told me that I don’t know how to shave properly! Bloody cheek! 

▸ “Propaganda” is what Cockneys do when they really look at something! 

▸ I told my Mum I’d made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn’t believe me!
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

◼︎ “Yes, John, what is it?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t want to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I
don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in
big trouble.”


◼︎ I bought a new clock but as we were putting it on the lounge room wall, I wondered if I should have bought a smaller, lighter one. 

Of course, my husband made me feel much better.
“I can see you are worried,” he declared,” but you don’t need to be. 

If it falls it will just bounce onto the lounge, or you if you are sitting there. It won’t break!”

◼︎ Some short jokes ……………………

▸ Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective..

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’


▸ A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’

▸ The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

◼︎A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

◼︎ I disagree with my psychiatrist’s assertion that I’m depressed
because I have a serotonin imbalance. I’m pretty sure the real
reason is that my life sucks.

◼︎ More things to ponder ……………….

▸ Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

▸ Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

▸ Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

▸ If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

▸ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

▸ Why is bra singular and panties plural?

▸ Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

▸ How come ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?

▸ Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

▸ Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

▸ Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

◼︎ My daughter has just come home with a settee and 2
chairs. I am fuming. I have told her not to accept suites
from strangers!

◼︎ A shoplifter was caught red handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewellery store.

 “Listen,” said the shop- lifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you
say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

◼︎ Clock jokes 


▸ What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look grandpa, no hands!


▸ Yesterday, I ate a clock.
It was very time-consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.


▸ My neighbour taped some clocks and watches on his belt.
I guess you might call that a ‘waist of time’.


▸ I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.
It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.


▸ The other day I saw a huge sign advertising a bunch of clocks.
I guess it’s just a sign of the times.

◼︎ I was recently researching the etymology of the term vegetarian……………….

and found this interesting “fact”

it is a primitive word, (possibly from cavemangali) meaning “lousy hunter”


▸ Q. Why do we have armies?
A. So our handies stay on.

▸ Q. Why do we have feet?
A. So our ankles don’t fray.

▸ Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

▸ Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.

▸ Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

▸ Q: What do you call the wife of a Hippie?
A: Mississippi.

◼︎ And to round out the week….

▸ My four year old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can’t say the word for ‘please’.
Which I think is poor for four! 

▸ I went on a positive thinking course today …
It was crap.

▸ How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

▸ A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar. 

▸ “I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…” 

▸ I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester today.
He had a Wigan address 

▸ How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven! 

▸ I was offered 8 legs of venison for £200 today.
Is that just too dear?

▸ I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster. If anything, it’s more sluggish now! 

▸ I remember my father fondly.
Funny name for a man!

▸ Interviewer: What’s your special power?
Me: Hindsight!
Interviewer: Well that’s not going to help!
Me: Yes I can see that now! 

See you in the soup……& Catch you again next week.

▫️ NEWS FROM ACROSS THE POND 🇺🇸

Some more gems from crazy USA

▫️ ADDITIONAL READS FOR TODAY

This Drone Uses Piercing Talons to Perch—or Snatch Things

🏠

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