DAILY STATISTICS HERE

▫️ HOME NEWS DESK

Only last week there was an entertainment program on TV and the presenter at some point commented to his guests “if you ever go to Carcassonne, go and see Norbert, he is a good friend of mine”. He really knew a lot of people in show business.

✏️ Health situation update

CONTAMINATIONS
On Thursday 4 November, 9,502 new cases of Covid-19 were recorded in 24 hours, according to figures from Santé publique France, bringing the total number of confirmed cases since the beginning of the epidemic to 7,190,334. The test positivity rate is 2.2%.

HOSPITALISATION
The number of Covid-19 patients hospitalised was 6,718 (-46 in 24 hours), including 1,099 in intensive care units.

DEATHS
In 24 hours, 47 people died in hospital due to Covid. The total number of deaths since the beginning of the epidemic is 117,849, of which 90,966 have occurred in hospital.

VACCINATION
Since the beginning of the vaccination campaign in France, 51,301,210 people have received at least one injection (i.e. 76.4% of the total population) and 50,148,444 people have now received the full vaccination schedule (i.e. 74.6% of the total population).

✏️ Politics

On Friday morning, the National Assembly (French Parliament) definitively adopted the bill “on various health vigilance provisions” and in particular the extension of the health pass until the end of July 2022.

✏️ Cinema update

I am sure a few of us would qualify

▫️ SEASONAL PIC

▫️ FOOD & DRINKS

Suggestion of the day

Linguine and clams

▫️ MUSIC

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

▫️ FUN

▫️ SATIRE

▫️ THE FRIDAY FUNNIES from Paul

Top of the morning/evening to you

▶︎Some short jokes to start……

◆What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
The second telephone.


◆What do you call a blind dinosaur.?
Doyouthinkhesawus.


◆Farmers have decided to stop using dyes or branding to mark their flocks. Instead
they will use black and white vertical stripes and call them…..
BAA CODES


◆If the USA is so great, why did someone make a USB?


◆A friend asked me if my stomach was flat? I answered
“Yes, but the “l” is silent”


◆The bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an impostor.
He never once moved diagonally.


▶︎A young blonde person went to the doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.”You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the person
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The person touched the right knee with the index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then touched the left cheek and again yelled,
“Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then the person touched the right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, the person cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully
for a moment and gave his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

▶︎A woman answers the phone and has the following conversation:

“Yes, Mother, I’ve had a hard day. Hank has been quite difficult…
Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it’s a difficult thing to do.
Well, you know how he is.
Yes, I remember you warned me.
I remember you told me that he could be a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry him.
I appreciate you always being there for me, and you were perfectly
right. Oh, you want to speak with him? Okay, hang on……………..”
She lays the phone on her shoulder and calls in to her husband in
the other room:

“Hank, your Mother wants to speak to you!”

▶︎When Rod’s wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Rod told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, “Life isn’t worth living.”
“Don’t be stupid, Rod,” said the psychiatrist. “Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, What do you do for a living?”
“I clean out septic tanks.” Rod replied.

▶︎”Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.”

▶︎Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip – shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going.

Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
“Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. . .  Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?”
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. . .  On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes!  He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, “Now, you can do whatever you want.”
So here I am.

▶︎Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need
 directions?

Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a
 GPS override.

Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife.

▶︎Doug asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter
of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to
date?”

Bill says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside,
put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me
so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, “Do you see that
sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I
love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,
kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any
way, just remember… I don’t mind going back to prison.”

▶︎One day a truckload of fertiliser went by this farm where a young boy lived.
The boy stopped the truck and asked the driver, “What are you going to use this fertiliser for?”
The man said, “For my strawberries.”
The boy replied, “Well at my place we put sugar and cream on our strawberries.”

▶︎A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race-
track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain
horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the
races before and wanted to understand the rules and look
over all the horses before placing a wager.
“You’re too cautious and detail-oriented,” the broker
criticised as he placed his large bet. His horse won and
he raked in a bundle of money.
“What’s your secret?” the analyst asked.
“It’s simple,” the broker explained. “I have two kids…
ages two and six…so I add their ages together and bet on
number nine.”
“But two and six is eight, not nine!” protested the analyst.
“See!” the broker replied, “I told you you’re too cautious
and detail-oriented.”

▶︎ My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolised
our marriage. “With this ring…” I began romantically.
“We could pay off Visa,” he responded.

▶︎ These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be
totally honest with each other.
As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a
date, she remarked, “I’m fat.”
“No, you’re not,” the other scolded.
“My hair is awful.”
“It looks just fine.”
“I’ve never looked worse,” she whined.
“Yes, you have,” her friend replied

▶︎ 3 on Grandparents
◆My grandson was  visiting one day when he  said  “Grandma, do you  know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo  and I said, “No,  how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

◆A 6-year-old  was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives  at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.  Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to  the airport.”

◆Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good  things, but  I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

▶︎ Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up
 my backside.’  ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*

◆Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?

A: A pork chop.


◆Q: What has a lot of keys but cannot open any doors?

A: A piano.


◆Q: Why did the cat sit on the computer?

A: To keep an eye on the mouse.


◆Q: Where do American cows come from?

A: Moo York.


◆Q: Did you hear about the comedian owl?

A: He was a real hoot.

▶︎ And a few to finish off the week…

◆ A Covid test nurse asked me if I’d had a sudden loss of taste!
I told her “No I’ve always dressed like this!” 

◆ My kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: Like what?
My kid: Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open up and take me to another dimension.
Me: Well that’s what happened to your older brother.
My kids: What older brother?
Me: Exactly! 

◆ What I if told you …
You read the first line wrong? 

◆ I’m opening a school for cattle farmers. You herd it here first! 

◆My wife’s leaving me because of my terrible spelling. I might have guest! 

◆Enter new password:
> chicken
Password must contain a capital:
> chickenkiev 

Catch you later….

▫️ NEWS FROM ACROSS THE POND 🇺🇸

Some more gems from crazy USA

▫️ ADDITIONAL READS FOR TODAY

❒ Instruments on Hubble in safe mode; NASA trying to understand why 

🏠